Many people have done impressive things. But has anyone watched all of Doctor Who in order, all the way through? No. They haven't. They can't have. They'd be lying if they said they had, and we'd be within our rights to hurl bricks at their stupid lying mouths.
But I'm better than those liars. I am watching all of Doctor Who and, get this, I've got to the end of the black and white episodes. That's amazing. You should worship me. That's the hardest bit! And I've taken lovely photos to show you what it was like.
Here are the last three stories of Season Six, which makes them the last three stories of the 1960s, which makes them the last three black and white stories. Two of them are quite good. The other is... less good.
Enjoy.
The Seeds of Death
Here are some space guys, doing space stuff. I think they're in charge of the moon, or something, which is what the story is going to be about.
The lady guy is trying to hide from the man guy. It has not worked. He's still talking to her. "Anyway I've got this spare ticket and, I mean, I don't know if you like space jazz, but..."
She hates space jazz. So she's standing very still, pretending to be some art.
It's a good shot. I like how weird it is. There's a lot of arty directing coming up, so get ready to be amazed.
Doctor Who and his friends turn up and meet the Moon Guy People. It's taken them quite a while, because Zoe had to find a skirt shorter than the one she wore in The Krotons. Which Doctor Who said was 'theoretically impossible.' But she's done it.
Right now they're not on the moon, they're in a museum that's all about space. Don't worry - they're not pretending that's a real rocket. The Moon Guys are cross with Doctor Who, because he's not meant to be in the museum. Also, something has gone wrong with the Moon.
This man is still on the moon. He's met the villains, and he's looking right at them. Except it looks like he's looking at us. We're the aliens in this scene, I guess. He doesn't seem that scared of us. He's all "I'm the King of the Moon. How do you like them apples?"
This is the leader of the villains. He's an Ice Warrior. They've been in Doctor Who before, and they go "Hisssss" a lot. This one wants to be King of the Moon. So he kills the other man, and now he is.
If I'd have been the other man, I wouldn't have been so cocky. This guy looks like an actual nightmare has come to life. And put on a hat.
The Ice Warriors take over all of the moon. I forget how. I think they're just so weird looking that everyone goes "Fair enough," and lets them do what they want. Sensible.
I like the way that the humans just get on with things, even though they're now being bossed about by evil space lizards. I'm not sure if we should be proud of our resilience as a species, or deeply ashamed at the fact that we'll obey anyone, no matter how evil, if they shout at us enough.
Later, Zoe does something.
I don't know what it is. I don't care. I just want to bathe in the glory of her excellent face.
Doctor Who goes to see the Ice Warriors, on the moon. They are delighted to see him, because it means they can go "Look, we made a big killy seed pod thing!"
Villains are always desperate to show off to Doctor Who. You can tell that the leader is going, "Yeah, it's the biggest and most killy of its kind. I can't imagine you've ever come across something as basically evil as what we have here."
To his credit, Doctor Who always pretends to be impressed. He doesn't have to do that. He could say, "This is significantly smaller than the bombs the Daleks use and frankly their overall aesthetic is more compelling." But he knows it's important for them, so he just pulls a face that suggests "Gosh indeed!"
A lot of the story is spent with this Ice Warrior going to look for humans, so he can kill them and tell the leader that yes, he killed the humans. Jamie is pretending that this is a big deal, and that they must hide, and that he must stroke Zoe vigorously. Zoe is growing sceptical of this. The monsters are always rubbish at looking, and she's pretty sure it's not because of the stroking.
Doctor Who runs away from the Ice Warriors, to give everyone something to do. This is lots of fun. Here he meets millions of other, infinitely recurring Doctor Whos. Or a couple of mirrors. This being the 1960s, it's hard to be certain.
What a great shot. You don't get your other science fiction heroes doing this kind of 'screech to a halt in a panic' business. Oh, I know Han Solo kind of does it on the Death Star, but he still sort of looks cool when he's doing it.
Actually, now I come to look at them, it's pretty similar. Did George Lucas watch the Seeds of Death? He started writing Star Wars not long after. And there is that bit later where Zoe turns off her targeting computer so she can blow up the Ice Warriors' battle station.
No, there isn't. I made that up.
Later, an Ice Warrior goes to Earth, to make the Seeds of Death happen. He's trying to hide between these trees. He's having limited success. He feels self conscious and wishes he could have stopped on the moon, where they get to chase Doctor Who up and down.
This is a better attempt at hiding, but still ultimately flawed. This is from the point of view of a soldier, who has been sent out to find the Ice Warrior. The soldier has found him. And the Ice Warrior has seen the soldier.
They stare at each other in an uncomfortable silence for what seems like ages. Then the Ice Warrior murders the soldier and wanders off. But I like to think he often reflects on what might have been.
The Ice Warrior in the background has found an excellent place to stand. Right in front of the great big 'Wall Of Light' that is, apparently, a vital part of making the Moon work. He knows that he looks fantastic and moody.
Later he will be asked if he can come and help fight the humans. He pretends not to hear. This will be his Facebook profile picture for months.
The Ice Warrior leader talks to his boss, over the TV. His boss has an amazing spangly disco helmet and, it seems, a mirrorball in his office. If this was made now, he'd be played by Matt Berry and there'd be extreme funk playing every time he phoned up.
Much time has passed and many people have died. Vain posing Ice Warrior guy has not moved even one inch.
There is a man in the middle looking sad. He has betrayed the entire human race. He is too remorseful to join in the Ice Warrior dance party that has spontaneously broken out.
Remorseful sad man is explaining to the Ice Warrior Leader that he doesn't think this 'betraying the human race' thing is working out, and maybe he's going to go back to college or something.
The Leader is not really listening. He's thinking, "Vain posing Ice Warrior was right - this is a great place to stand. I'm going to make this my profile picture, and forbid him from doing the same. We can't both do it."
Doctor Who gets some solar reflectory things and does some science to them so that they are extra hot. Then he murders the Ice Warriors with them. For some reason this is not the same as him using, say, a machine gun, or stabbing them with knives. It is clever science.
Doctor Who is explaining to the Ice Leader that he has won. The Ice Leader is shocked - he though he was winning. But Doctor Who is very convincing. He's been in enough stories to know when it's the end. And it's now. The Ice Leader is disappointed, but doesn't want to be seen as childish, so goes home.
The Space Pirates
This story features some really rather good model shots, like this one.
Mostly this one.
They use this one a lot.
It gets tedious.
The plot is about this lady - who has space hair - saying, "Oh, I don't like the Space Pirates!" to the other guy, who is busy mansplaining space in the background.
She is lying. She loves the Space Pirates. She thinks they're great, and maybe she is one. Or something. She's certainly on their side.
The other guy is too busy talking about himself to ever find out that she is lying. I think Doctor Who tells him later. He's very cross.
This is the only other photo I took from this story. Partly because it is one of those stories where most of the episodes are missing, so I didn't have that many options. But also partly because it is very boring for quite a lot of the time it is on the television.
Here, Doctor Who and his friends are clinging onto a spaceship, because it is going fast, in space.
Surely all spaceships go fast in space. Isn't that their thing? You don't see the crew of the Enterprise all clinging onto their chairs for dear life, shouting "Aaagh! It's so fast!"
I'm beginning to wonder how accurate Doctor Who is, scientifically speaking.
Anyway. it is a fun picture nevertheless. Zoe appears to have abandoned skirts altogether.
Now. I was going to do three stories, but I think I've gone on a bit. And I've taken loads of pictures of the last story - The War Games - because it's very long, and very ace.
So, The War Games gets its own entry - here.
Or, you could amuse yourself with my past viewing experiences. Take a look here, and see where it gets you.
See you next time!
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